Wednesday, 31 July 2013
Tuesday, 30 July 2013
Sunday, 28 July 2013
Friday, 26 July 2013
Office Hours 26th July 2013
From: Quentin Jordan (Head of Mathematics Department)
To: allstaff@stat.shaarville.ac.uk
Subject: Fwd:The New Haarville logo
Four million fucking pounds on a logo my 12 year old daughter could have created????!!! He's having a fucking laugh.....
Meanwhile, the academic engine room workers are still given foul tasting "coffee"....Outrageous.
To: allstaff@stat.shaarville.ac.uk
Subject: Fwd:The New Haarville logo
Four million fucking pounds on a logo my 12 year old daughter could have created????!!! He's having a fucking laugh.....
Meanwhile, the academic engine room workers are still given foul tasting "coffee"....Outrageous.
Thursday, 25 July 2013
Office Hours 25th July 2013
From: Mark Winchester (Brand Director)
To: allstaff@haarville.ac.uk
Subject: The New Haarville logo
Dear all,
It gives me great pleasure to unveil the new University of Haarville logo. This logo has been designed Blue Sky designs in which the university has invested £4 million into designing the new logo which hopefully is now better aligned with our beliefs and mission statement.
Please find attached the final version of the logo. You will notice that "Haar" is in bold typeface, and "ville" is in italics, both of which are Trebuchet font. The bold typeface emphasises both the strong position and impact the university has in the academic world. The italic use for "ville" highlights that we are forward thinking and innovative, despite our established foundations. The use of Trebuchet unifies these two components in a simple yet elegant manner.
The new logo will be rolled out on all related matter from the 1st September, in time for the new academic year. Consequently, we asked that all members of staff begin using this logo from this date onwards on all appropriate material.
Yours sincerely,
Mark Winchester
Brand Manager, University of Haarville
To: allstaff@haarville.ac.uk
Subject: The New Haarville logo
Dear all,
It gives me great pleasure to unveil the new University of Haarville logo. This logo has been designed Blue Sky designs in which the university has invested £4 million into designing the new logo which hopefully is now better aligned with our beliefs and mission statement.
Please find attached the final version of the logo. You will notice that "Haar" is in bold typeface, and "ville" is in italics, both of which are Trebuchet font. The bold typeface emphasises both the strong position and impact the university has in the academic world. The italic use for "ville" highlights that we are forward thinking and innovative, despite our established foundations. The use of Trebuchet unifies these two components in a simple yet elegant manner.
The new logo will be rolled out on all related matter from the 1st September, in time for the new academic year. Consequently, we asked that all members of staff begin using this logo from this date onwards on all appropriate material.
Yours sincerely,
Mark Winchester
Brand Manager, University of Haarville
Wednesday, 24 July 2013
Office Hours 24th July 2013
From: Sarah Bingham
To: allstaff@stats.haarville.ac.uk
Subject: Graduation Bingo
Dear all,
Graduation week is upon us and many of us will be boredly sitting in a graduation ceremony, researching different styles of clapping. To numb this boredom, I propose a game of graduation bingo.
The game is simple; we are all given a bingo scorecard (to be found in your pigeon holes) which contains a random 5x5 grid of possible events that could occur during the ceremony. These include an unfortunate undergraduate trips over, the speaker mispronounces a name, synchronisation between the choir and brass quartet falls to pieces etc. When such an event happens, you're allowed to tick it off on your scorecard. The first person to achieve a full length vertical, horizontal and diagonal line should "accidentally" drop their cap on stage to indicate their completion. Whether they have been successful is determined after the ceremony. The winner wins a bottle of champagne.
I hope many of you partake in this entertaining game. It should at least keep us awake and on our toes during what is to be expected a long, hot ceremony.
Regards and enjoy graduation,
Dr. Sarah Bingham
To: allstaff@stats.haarville.ac.uk
Subject: Graduation Bingo
Dear all,
Graduation week is upon us and many of us will be boredly sitting in a graduation ceremony, researching different styles of clapping. To numb this boredom, I propose a game of graduation bingo.
The game is simple; we are all given a bingo scorecard (to be found in your pigeon holes) which contains a random 5x5 grid of possible events that could occur during the ceremony. These include an unfortunate undergraduate trips over, the speaker mispronounces a name, synchronisation between the choir and brass quartet falls to pieces etc. When such an event happens, you're allowed to tick it off on your scorecard. The first person to achieve a full length vertical, horizontal and diagonal line should "accidentally" drop their cap on stage to indicate their completion. Whether they have been successful is determined after the ceremony. The winner wins a bottle of champagne.
I hope many of you partake in this entertaining game. It should at least keep us awake and on our toes during what is to be expected a long, hot ceremony.
Regards and enjoy graduation,
Dr. Sarah Bingham
Monday, 22 July 2013
Rebuttals 5
The referees find it very difficult to interpret Figure 4.1.3, mainly because they're are too many different shades of grey to used represent the different conditions of experiment. Hence it is impossible to make sense of the necessary conclusions. The use of colour should thus be considered actively in aiding the interpret-ability of the figure and consequently, conclusions drawn from it.
The authors are grateful to the referees for highlighting this issue. However, Figure 4.1.3 is as a graphical representation of E L James' bestselling novel, "Fifty Shades of Grey". Perhaps one of the alternative conclusions from this figure is the current literacy taste of the authors? Additional text for the main body and caption of this figure have been supplied to clarify this potential conclusion.
The authors are grateful to the referees for highlighting this issue. However, Figure 4.1.3 is as a graphical representation of E L James' bestselling novel, "Fifty Shades of Grey". Perhaps one of the alternative conclusions from this figure is the current literacy taste of the authors? Additional text for the main body and caption of this figure have been supplied to clarify this potential conclusion.
Sunday, 21 July 2013
Rebuttals 4
The reviewer strongly disagrees with the use of text speak and emoticons in the manuscript. This is a mandatory revision in order for the manuscript in order for it to be considered for publication.
LOL!!!111!! "Thanx" grandpa or grandma. Just tryin' 2 b down wit da kids! U did say dat u wanna make maths sexa!
Thursday, 18 July 2013
Office Hours 18th July 2013
From: Shane Tyler
To: Paul Bennett
Subject: Exam Marks
Im a first yer student, nd Ive currently got 38% for the yer. Howeva, my mate Seb Matthews has got 65% nd has sed that i can have 5% of his as i really wanna pass well and he doesnt really need em and is happy wit 60%. Can u sort this out 4 us???!! He says its fine 4 u to take em.
Cheerz 'nd Laterz,
Shane
Sent from a Raspberry
To: Paul Bennett
Subject: Exam Marks
Im a first yer student, nd Ive currently got 38% for the yer. Howeva, my mate Seb Matthews has got 65% nd has sed that i can have 5% of his as i really wanna pass well and he doesnt really need em and is happy wit 60%. Can u sort this out 4 us???!! He says its fine 4 u to take em.
Cheerz 'nd Laterz,
Shane
Sent from a Raspberry
Wednesday, 17 July 2013
Office Hours 17th July 2013 PM
From: Paul Bennett
To: all_stats_ug@haarville@ac.uk; Paul Bennett
Subject: Hola!
Hola Haar undergraduates,
This might seem a bit unexpected but I'm Paul Bennett and I'm one of the lecturers in you department. I'm a bit more youthful and hip than your standard lecturer in the department, so expect different approaches to the way I teach and conduct things.
I thought I'd just e-mail to introduce myself and say in additional to teaching various modules this year, I'd like to offer my services as a friend, even if you're not one of my (lucky/unlucky) personal tutees. I know university life can be tough at times (hypothesis testing still gets me), and life in general (I still don't know how to boil an egg properly and am devastated by the recent X Factor exit) so it helps to have a friendly face. My office door is always open (except when it's ajar!). Are we cowabunga on that?
And remember YOLO,
Paul
To: all_stats_ug@haarville@ac.uk; Paul Bennett
Subject: Hola!
Hola Haar undergraduates,
This might seem a bit unexpected but I'm Paul Bennett and I'm one of the lecturers in you department. I'm a bit more youthful and hip than your standard lecturer in the department, so expect different approaches to the way I teach and conduct things.
I thought I'd just e-mail to introduce myself and say in additional to teaching various modules this year, I'd like to offer my services as a friend, even if you're not one of my (lucky/unlucky) personal tutees. I know university life can be tough at times (hypothesis testing still gets me), and life in general (I still don't know how to boil an egg properly and am devastated by the recent X Factor exit) so it helps to have a friendly face. My office door is always open (except when it's ajar!). Are we cowabunga on that?
And remember YOLO,
Paul
Office Hours 17th July 2013 AM
From: Paul Bennett
To: allstaff@stats.haarville.ac.uk, phd@stats.haarville.ac.uk
Subject: Howdy to Haarville!
Hi all,
I thought I'd break the ice slightly and introduce myself to the department (at least cyberly). My name is Paul Bennett. I've recently come from the University of Daubechie in France where I was doing a post doctorate in wavelets with Professor Biespiel.
I'm really excited about starting at the University of Haarville and the department, tossing new research ideas about with you guys, getting involved with the nitty gritty admin stuff, and more importantly, cultivating the next wave of young academics. I've got a few plans up my sleeve on how I can make the department more modern but I'll save that for the next staff meeting! But feel free to contact me if you want anything done and think I'll be any help; I've love getting my hands dirty.
A few fun facts about me: I'm a Capricorn. When I'm not researching (which is quite rare these days!), I'm usually looking after my bee colony and producing fantastic honey. I've been married for two years to the brilliant Elaine who is an Alternative-Arts teacher.
Looking forward to meeting you all!
Paul
To: allstaff@stats.haarville.ac.uk, phd@stats.haarville.ac.uk
Subject: Howdy to Haarville!
Hi all,
I thought I'd break the ice slightly and introduce myself to the department (at least cyberly). My name is Paul Bennett. I've recently come from the University of Daubechie in France where I was doing a post doctorate in wavelets with Professor Biespiel.
I'm really excited about starting at the University of Haarville and the department, tossing new research ideas about with you guys, getting involved with the nitty gritty admin stuff, and more importantly, cultivating the next wave of young academics. I've got a few plans up my sleeve on how I can make the department more modern but I'll save that for the next staff meeting! But feel free to contact me if you want anything done and think I'll be any help; I've love getting my hands dirty.
A few fun facts about me: I'm a Capricorn. When I'm not researching (which is quite rare these days!), I'm usually looking after my bee colony and producing fantastic honey. I've been married for two years to the brilliant Elaine who is an Alternative-Arts teacher.
Looking forward to meeting you all!
Paul
Tuesday, 16 July 2013
Rebuttals 3
The reviewer would like the authors to state the proof of Theorem 3.4.1 as it is unclear as to how this result is obtained.
The authors oblige to the reviewer's request and have now printed "The Proof of Theorem 3.4.1" as the proof of Theorem 3.4.1.
Friday, 12 July 2013
V-day
Thursday 11th July 2013 sees the academia battle of the week....
Michael "the Namster" Nam
Michael "the Namster" Nam
versus
Paul "Buries Victims In" Furrows and Adrian "Weighs a" Tonne
The Namster has a track record of one published paper, two upcoming papers and attendances at numerous high profiled conferences. However, the odds are stacked against him with Furrows and Tonne having PhD viva failure track records of 10/17 and 36/ 57 respectively.
Who will reign victorious???!!
Only on Needle in a Hay Stats, the only cable TV channel dedicated to Statistics.
Wednesday, 10 July 2013
Rebuttals 2
The reviewer found it very hard to understand the plots and graphs, and thus the necessary conclusions, in the current manuscript. I believe the use of colours to distinguish the results under different conditions would be extremely beneficial.
The authors apologise for the confusing results and the lack of colours. However, the plots are intended to be an exercise in colouring in for the reader when they are sufficiently bored of the paper and indeed their own research. We intend on supplying a complimentary set of colouring pencils with each copy of the article to catalyse this beneficial exercise.
Tuesday, 9 July 2013
Rebuttals
A satirical parody of the reviewing process in peer-reviewed journals in the world of academia. Similar to Who Moved My Blackberry?, this parody takes the form of rebuttals from the author of the manuscript to the reviewer.
The reviewer is unclear between the difference between H and \tilde{H} frequently used throughout the paper.
The author thanks the reviewer for raising this issue. However, the author advises the reviewer to get their eyes tested and invest in a new pair of glasses; there are no Hs, or indeed \tilde{H}s, in the current manuscript.
The reviewer is unclear between the difference between H and \tilde{H} frequently used throughout the paper.
The author thanks the reviewer for raising this issue. However, the author advises the reviewer to get their eyes tested and invest in a new pair of glasses; there are no Hs, or indeed \tilde{H}s, in the current manuscript.
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