United States of Namerica: A Seattle Gem

I found the following gem of a cinema over the weekend.

And which film did I go watch?

"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

United States of Namerica: The Entertaining Monkey

At first none of the Seattleites picked up on it; I blame the diversity that Amazon, Microsoft, Boeing et al have introduced into the area. But recently, people have started commenting and even complimenting on it, professing their love of it and how they could listen to it all day. 

But what is this mystical phenomena I speak of? Why it is my British accent. Apparently I'm going to be a hit with the ladies but I've had no luck so far. Men on the other hand....

United States of Namerica: The New Job

As Nam begins his new job (and adventure) across the pond, he can't but feel a little overwhelmed by all the data and information that he has to process...

The Beef with Beef

beef

Pronunciation: /biːf/

noun

1. [mass noun] the flesh of a cow, bull, or ox, used as food:

there was the smell of roast beef

2. (plural beefs) informal a complaint or grievance:

he has a beef with education: it doesn’t teach the basics of investing

A Jerry Springer/Jeremy Kyle esque confrontational show dedicated to the Beef/Horsemeat scandal of 2013. Guests include a cow, a horse and dissatisfied members of the UK public.

• • 
    

Anomaly: #Slashtag

The whole world is gripped with a new mysterious twitterer and their ability to accurately predict the future via their tweets and the use of #hashtags. No one knows the true identity of the account holder but seem quite entertained by the words of wisdom contained within the tweets.

However, things turn a dark corner as the tweets and hashtags become linked to numerous sinister murders around the world. Who exactly is the mysterious twitterer and why aren't they preventing the murders if they can predict the future? Could they be the murderer?

#Slashtag #Onedownthreetogo

Gaijin!: Nam versus the Japanese Toilet

The toilets in Japanese are stupidly sophisticated at times, what with integrated bidets, musical buttons to allow discrete excretion, seat warmers and automatic seat opening. However, attached with this sophistication is a great deal unnecessary complication.

In one such restaurant, I was trying to figure out how to flush the toilet having done my business. I consequently stood up and started tampering with some of the buttons on the electrical panel beside the toilet. I of course managed to press one of the bidet/spray buttons and consequently, as no derrière was in place to shield the room from the water, it sprayed right into the room and into my face.

Cue some Fawlty Towers farcical humour as I try to switch off the unintended spray-age and trying not to re-emerge into the restaurant as a drowned rat.

Office Hours 13th September 2013

From: Jordan Farmer (Youth Co-ordinator)
To: allstaff@haarville.ac.uk
Subject: WORK to TWERK

Hiya all!!!!!1!

Wassup? You're hip youth co-ordinator here. With the new academic year rolling, I'm pleased to introduce a new initiative I've been developing over the summer with the backing of the vice chancellor to encourage undergraduates and prospective students to maintain their studies throughout the year :).

The initiative, WORK to TWERK, rewards students for each additional hour of academic study by allowing them to twerk, a sexually provocative dance phenomenon which is popular with the kids :P. Academics are also more than welcome to participate!

More details can be obtained by e-mailing/tweeting/texting me.

Ttyl,

J

Office Hours 9th September 2013

From: Shaun Parkinson (Statistics IT officer)
To: allstaff@stats.haarville.ac.uk; phd@stats.haarville.ac.uk
Subject: BEWARE OF PHISHING E-MAIL!!

Hi all,

Just to let you know that a recent phishing e-mail has been spotted in the University's e-mail system. This latest e-mail advertises penis or breast enlargement medication and it is advised by IT services that you delete this e-mail immediately, no matter how tempting you or your girlfriend/wife/partner would like to be more well endowed.

Cheers,
Shaun

Totes Amaze!: Makers Faire Hong Kong, 17th August 2013

Totes Amaze!: Daiba, Tokyo, 12th August 2013

Totes Amaze!: Kyoto, 5th August 2013

Totes Amaze!: Hirado, 2nd August 2013

Totes Amaze!: Miyajima, 31st July 2013

Totes Amaze!: Hiroshima, 30th July 2013

Totes Amaze!: Tokyo, Shibuya, 28th July

It's on, like Donkey Kong...

Office Hours 26th July 2013

From: Quentin Jordan (Head of Mathematics Department)
To: allstaff@stat.shaarville.ac.uk
Subject: Fwd:The New Haarville logo

Four million fucking pounds on a logo my 12 year old daughter could have created????!!! He's having a fucking laugh.....

Meanwhile, the academic engine room workers are still given foul tasting "coffee"....Outrageous.

Office Hours 25th July 2013

From: Mark Winchester (Brand Director)
To: allstaff@haarville.ac.uk
Subject: The New Haarville logo

Dear all,

It gives me great pleasure to unveil the new University of Haarville logo. This logo has been designed Blue Sky designs in which the university has invested £4 million into designing the new logo which hopefully is now better aligned with our beliefs and mission statement.

Please find attached the final version of the logo. You will notice that "Haar" is in bold typeface, and "ville" is in italics, both of which are Trebuchet font. The bold typeface emphasises both the strong position and impact the university has in the academic world. The italic use for "ville" highlights that we are forward thinking and innovative, despite our established foundations. The use of Trebuchet unifies these two components in a simple yet elegant manner.

The new logo will be rolled out on all related matter from the 1st September, in time for the new academic year. Consequently, we asked that all members of staff begin using this logo from this date onwards on all appropriate material.

Yours sincerely,

Mark Winchester
Brand Manager, University of Haarville

Office Hours 24th July 2013

From: Sarah Bingham
To: allstaff@stats.haarville.ac.uk
Subject: Graduation Bingo

Dear all,

Graduation week is upon us and many of us will be boredly sitting in a graduation ceremony, researching different styles of clapping. To numb this boredom, I propose a game of graduation bingo.

The game is simple; we are all given a bingo scorecard (to be found in your pigeon holes) which contains a random 5x5 grid of possible events that could occur during the ceremony. These include an unfortunate undergraduate trips over, the speaker mispronounces a name, synchronisation between the choir and brass quartet falls to pieces etc. When such an event happens, you're allowed to tick it off on your scorecard. The first person to achieve a full length vertical, horizontal and diagonal line should "accidentally" drop their cap on stage to indicate their completion. Whether they have been successful is determined after the ceremony. The winner wins a bottle of champagne.

I hope many of you partake in this entertaining game. It should at least keep us awake and on our toes during what is to be expected a long, hot ceremony.

Regards and enjoy graduation,

Dr. Sarah Bingham

Rebuttals 5

The referees find it very difficult to interpret Figure 4.1.3, mainly because they're are too many different shades of grey to used represent the different conditions of experiment. Hence it is impossible to make sense of the necessary conclusions. The use of colour should thus be considered actively in aiding the interpret-ability of the figure and consequently, conclusions drawn from it.

The authors are grateful to the referees for highlighting this issue. However, Figure 4.1.3 is as a graphical representation of E L James' bestselling novel, "Fifty Shades of Grey". Perhaps one of the alternative conclusions from this figure is the current literacy taste of the authors? Additional text for the main body and caption of this figure have been supplied to clarify this potential conclusion.

Rebuttals 4

The reviewer strongly disagrees with the use of text speak and emoticons in the manuscript. This is a mandatory revision in order for the manuscript in order for it to be considered for publication.

LOL!!!111!! "Thanx" grandpa or grandma. Just tryin' 2 b down wit da kids! U did say dat u wanna make maths sexa!

Office Hours 18th July 2013

From: Shane Tyler
To: Paul Bennett
Subject: Exam Marks

Im a first yer student, nd Ive currently got 38% for the yer. Howeva, my mate Seb Matthews has got 65% nd has sed that i can have 5% of his as i really wanna pass well and he doesnt really need em and is happy wit 60%. Can  u sort this out 4 us???!! He says its fine 4 u to take em.

Cheerz 'nd Laterz,
Shane

Sent from a Raspberry

Office Hours 17th July 2013 PM

From: Paul Bennett
To: all_stats_ug@haarville@ac.uk; Paul Bennett
Subject: Hola!

Hola Haar undergraduates,

This might seem a bit unexpected but I'm Paul Bennett and I'm one of the lecturers in you department. I'm a bit more youthful and hip than your standard lecturer in the department, so expect different approaches to the way I teach and conduct things.

I thought I'd just e-mail to introduce myself and say in additional to teaching various modules this year, I'd like to offer my services as a friend, even if you're not one of my (lucky/unlucky) personal tutees. I know university life can be tough at times (hypothesis testing still gets me), and life in general (I still don't know how to boil an egg properly and am devastated by the recent X Factor exit) so it helps to have a friendly face. My office door is always open (except when it's ajar!). Are we cowabunga on that?

And remember YOLO,
Paul

Office Hours 17th July 2013 AM

From: Paul Bennett
To: allstaff@stats.haarville.ac.uk, phd@stats.haarville.ac.uk
Subject: Howdy to Haarville!

Hi all,

I thought I'd break the ice slightly and introduce myself to the department (at least cyberly). My name is Paul Bennett. I've recently come from the University of Daubechie in France where I was doing a post doctorate in wavelets with Professor Biespiel.

I'm really excited about starting at the University of Haarville and the department, tossing new research ideas about with you guys, getting involved with the nitty gritty admin stuff, and more importantly, cultivating the next wave of young academics. I've got a few plans up my sleeve on how I can make the department more modern but I'll save that for the next staff meeting! But feel free to contact me if you want anything done and think I'll be any help; I've love getting my hands dirty.

A few fun facts about me: I'm a Capricorn. When I'm not researching (which is quite rare these days!), I'm usually looking after my bee colony and producing fantastic honey. I've been married for two years to the brilliant Elaine who is an Alternative-Arts teacher.

Looking forward to meeting you all!
Paul

Rebuttals 3

The reviewer would like the authors to state the proof of Theorem 3.4.1 as it is unclear as to how this result is obtained.

The authors oblige to the reviewer's request and have now printed "The Proof of Theorem 3.4.1" as the proof of Theorem 3.4.1.

V-day

Thursday 11th July 2013 sees the academia battle of the week....

Michael "the Namster" Nam

versus

Paul "Buries Victims In" Furrows and Adrian "Weighs a" Tonne

The Namster has a track record of one published paper, two upcoming papers and attendances at numerous high profiled conferences. However, the odds are stacked against him with Furrows and Tonne having PhD viva failure track records of  10/17 and 36/ 57 respectively.

Who will reign victorious???!! 

Only on Needle in a Hay Stats, the only cable TV channel dedicated to Statistics.

Rebuttals 2

The reviewer found it very hard to understand the plots and graphs, and thus the necessary conclusions, in the current manuscript. I believe the use of colours to distinguish the results under different conditions would be extremely beneficial.

The authors apologise for the confusing results and the lack of colours. However, the plots are intended to be an exercise in colouring in for the reader when they are sufficiently bored of the paper and indeed their own research. We intend on supplying a complimentary set of colouring pencils with each copy of the article to catalyse this beneficial exercise.

Rebuttals

A satirical parody of the reviewing process in peer-reviewed journals in the world of academia. Similar to Who Moved My Blackberry?, this parody takes the form of rebuttals from the author of the manuscript to the reviewer.


The reviewer is unclear between the difference between H and \tilde{H} frequently used throughout the paper.

The author thanks the reviewer for raising this issue. However, the author advises the reviewer to get their eyes tested and invest in a new pair of glasses; there are no Hs, or indeed \tilde{H}s, in the current manuscript.

LOL-ing about

"Hey ya!!1! Hows u??!! Wuu2?"

Academic Michael is newly single and decides to take a stab at online dating via the popular app, "Catch of the Day". However, his encounters are not what he expected with the online single community adopting bizarre aliases (for example, "A Nu Start" and "Jenna's Side"), and incomprehensible conversations involving text speak. 

Hilarity, or rather ROFLs, ensues  as Michael eventually has to dumb himself down in order to appeal the general folk on Catch of The Day. 

Dinner for One

Social observations of others by a young man who dines alone at restaurant. Let's just hope things don't turn out exactly like Peter Greenaway's The Cook, the Thief, His Wife and Her Lover...

Meta-Analysis

Metahumor as humor about humor. Here meta is used to describe the fact that the joke explicitly talks about other jokes, a usage similar to the word metadata (data about data), metatheatrics (a play within a play, as in Hamlet), or metafiction.

New sitcom which revolves around a PhD student who has recently submitted and awaiting his viva. Part of his PPBA (Post PhD Bumming Around) is spent conjuring up humourous TV shows ideas about his experiences in the world of academia.

The First Row

Black comedy about the first row of a community Wind Orchestra with players of different ages and walks of life. To add to this there's some light rival between the clarinets, oboes and flutes which culminates in a blow-off. The question is, who's full of hot air?

Office Hours

Comedy series which centers around the bizarre conversations that occur during the office hours of an eager-to-please academic staff.

Paul Bennett is a young lecturer at the University of Haarville. Doe eyed, enthusiastic about motivating undergraduates about the field of Mathematics and eager to be a supportive personal tutor, reality soon hits him and his expectations are shattered from encounters during his weekly office hours. Hilarity ensues as students come to him with bizarre requests including how to to post a letter, the meaning of life and consoling students from the recent exit on X Factor.

To add to this, his academic colleagues also have their own set of bizarre requests, often taking full of the naive young blood.

The PostGraduate

A blasphemous sequel to the 1967 American film The Graduate.

Dustin Hoffman reprises his role as Benjamin Braddock, now Dr. Braddock at the University of Haarville.

Dr. Braddock, an established academic in History, is about to retire from the world of academia, tired of all the university politics and the lack of outstanding research from both fellow academics and students. He decides to take on one final PhD student before he officially bows out. This PhD student comes in the form of Elizabeth Hamilton, an extraordinarily bright and young student.

Over the course of the years, Dr. Braddock slowly becomes smittened by Elizabeth's intelligence and charm, wanting to take things beyond their weekly supervisions.

As Dr. Braddock debates between what is right and wrong, what his mind and heart want, and to whether to be honest with Elizabeth, his time is slowly ticking away with Elizabeth soon graduating and relocating to the other side of the world.

The Parting of Ways

Nam is preparing for his departure from the delightful sights of Coventry and gives the following parting gift to the department who have made him feel somewhat at home for the last eight years or so...

Degrees of Freedom

Either:

a) A Jonathan Creek-esque detective show which centers around using Statistics and the Law to solve crimes and limit the degrees of freedom of criminals. The protagnist, Constant Justice, lives in a bungalow shaped like the Gaussian distribution.

b) A sitcom revolving around a renowned professor who tries to juggles his demanding PhD students, post docs and family life. He's only got a few degrees of freedom you see...

Copula

A niche sitcom based on the hit BBC comedy Coupling which centers around the dependence nature between a group of Probability and Statistics PhD students and their supervisors. 

Hilarity ensues between the Bayesians, frequentist and probabilist couples! Episodes include "The Conference" and "The Girl with Two Publications" (ED: pube-cations?).

Anomaly: The Upgrades

The University of Haarville is situated peacefully situated in the village of Horsley, just outside of Winchester. Idyllically surrounded by acres of grassland and forests, students roam freely amongst the rabbits and other wildlife.

However, there's a peculiar phenomena occurring at the Department of Computer Science; the number of PhD students progressing from each year always seems to be controlled conveniently. Rather too conveniently if one looked at the numbers carefully. In addition, the wildlife surrounding the campus always increases at the same rate.

New PhD student Wesley finds out the truth about the Department's bizarre culling technique and cultivating the surrounding wildlife. The animals have oddly human characteristics you see...

Pope Idol

New Simon Cowell-esque show which is on the search for the new Pope (This is a month old but hey...)

Over the top search for the next leader of the Roman Catholic Church, complete with X Factor introduction "HAS ONLY SINNED 4 TIMES", etc. 

Soundtrack is a trance version of Allegri's Miserere with inappropriate, suggestive dancers who dress up as choir boys, before disrobing and gyrating on the altar.

Simon Cowell acts as head judge and Gok Wan hosts.

The Kiddie Table

"Humourous" black comedy play turned sitcom (akin to Chalk) which is set completely in a common room in a Statistics department.

The play centers around the lunchtime banter between the academic staff and Phd students in a Statistics department at a red brick university. The two groups keep separate from one another over lunch, discussing politics and the latest TV gossip respectively. 

However, over the course of the play, the boundaries blur. The academic staff start discussing childish things (like "How to make a sheep explode") whilst the PhD students have a lively sensible discussion on how The Big Bang Theory is an accurate portray of people. Things get worse when one day, the staff start playing with their food and initiate a food fight.

Question is, who's sitting at the kiddie table?

Chink in the Armour

A one man play (think those dreadful, arty shows at the Edinburgh Fringe where they beg for an audience) where a British Born Chinese bares his soul to a sparse audience. 

Adrian discusses his upbringing as a British Born Chinese where he's always seeking approval from others, never seems entirely satisfied and never handles a compliment well. There were some good times however; he's got impeccable manners and has bizarre knowledge of 90s culture.

He discusses his plan to go for the hat trick of parental disappointment by being absent from his graduation, probably not getting married, and probably not bearing any children. He'll by a chink in his family's suit of armour....

The Wong Number

Highly offensive and crude BBC3 comedy about a Chinese takeaway couple and their misfortunes.

Mr and Mrs Wong own a popular Chinese takeaway in Bolton but also frequently get wrong numbers from all over the world. Hilarity, mischief and mayhem ensues as the diallers get them involved with UN missions, glamour modelling and phone-sex.

"It's the Wong Number"